radiance

hey all my princesses

i am in a new house! still in italy, just a few hours southwest of where i was before. today was my first full day. but before i go on about the new place:

ive been having a really, really lovely time in italy. aside from that one horrific day, and sometimes feeling a little sad at parties because i wished i spoke more italian, these days have been some of the most enjoyable and transformative days ever. i feel so happy, radiant, even. feeling able to enjoy the little things again and even excited thinking about how to integrate all these new thoughts and feelings into my usual life. i feel pretty full.

i don’t really know how to segway into this kind of crazy thing so im just going to start talking about it. one night, maria, michele, and i were having some deep talks outside. we spoke about family and how it shapes who we are. after they found out i didn’t know anything about my father, they really encouraged me to find out the truth. they told me there was no reason not to know– which when i thought about it, was true. for my whole life this had never been something that i really thought about. i remember this one time when i was in 1^st grade or so; it was fathers day and the teacher had us all make cards. i told her i didn’t have a father, and she said “well, you were born, so you must have one.” i really didn’t know what to make of that. anyway, i kind of figured that now was as good a time as any to finally ask my mother about him– i was in this spiritual house and already facing a lot of fears and doing a lot of self reflection, and so, i asked her. we called on the phone and she told me about him. and well, now i know the truth. im still not sure if ive really processed it yet, but im sure i will in time.

on saturday, maria and michele invited me to another party, but this one was a camping party! they lent me a tent and even one of the mattresses from their totally decked out van. the party was lovely, too. it was my first italian party without anyone else with me to speak english to. but it allowed me to really try hard to get to know the people around me. i had some really lovely and genuine conversations with people ill sadly probably never see again. one of which happened to be a dutch woman, which was really fun because we would go back in forth talking in english, dutch, italian (with my very limited vocabulary), and even spanish just for shits and giggles. she was quite interested in me and my life and that was neat. the party was on the property of this really cool woman who lived in this big yurt. i asked her if i could see inside and she said yes. it was insanely cool and gorgeous and now i kind of want a yurt.

one weird part of my night was when i, for some reason, lost total confidence in my ability to be a human being in a social setting. it was quite late, and some people were starting to grill some meat. i was starving and also hadnt had meat in ages so i was pretty keen on having some. the issue was that many others also wanted some. so people crowded around the grill and i felt so awkward just standing there waiting. i tried waiting and then coming back but the crowd didn’t leave for an hour. then i noticed the same people kept going back for seconds and i realized i would probably have to fight my way to the meat… which i was definitely not doing. after waiting for literally forever and going to war with myself in my mind over not being able to just push through and ask for some, i gave up and sat with michele by the fire. i asked him what food we had in the van and after he asked why i didn’t get anything from the grill, he got up and said he wanted to check out the situation. about 15 minutes later he came back and handed me a burger. i couldn’t have been happier. what a fucking guy. i scarfed that thing down like a stray dog. and 20 minutes after that, he came back and gave me another one.

we had many a jam sesh at this party. i brought one of michele’s guitars with me and had a good time playing with everyone. there was also a big drum circle around the fire. at one point, i participated a little bit in that too.

on my last day, monday, i slept in a little bit (a gift from the hosts to me,) they beat chopsticks together and cheered when i came into the kitchen for coffee. it was a nice time. a few hours later, two new volunteer guys came to join the house. one was sam, a skater guy my age from new zealand, and the other was gonzalo, an almost 40 year old dude from spain. they were both nice, but obviously i clicked with the skater pretty well. i made cinnamon roll cookies for the house, and then we went to a birthday gathering. it was a lovely time, we drank beer and ate lots of cheeses and meats and slices of black truffle. the birthday cake was a blackberry pie and accompanied by a fig pie, too. (i have eaten the most amount of figs i ever have in my life here and i am not complaining about that even in the slightest… well except for when you pick one off a tree and theres a worm in it– that is pretty disturbing.) then we played pool. me and michele vs sam and gonzalo. obviously, michele and i won. it was a good game.

tuesday morning, maria and michele did the kindest thing in the world and drove me 45 minutes to the train station i needed. by doing this, they literally turned my 6 hour travel day into a 3 hour one by avoiding the multiple busses situation. we said our goodbyes which were pretty emotional. maria cried a good bit and michele was definitely being a softie. they said some really nice things and asked me to come back soon– then off they went.

i was feeling really excited and ready to be on the road again. my time in this house was so special. i learned so much about myself and grew a lot as a person. but it wasnt until i got to this new place where i realised just how much it actually changed me. i genuinely walked into this totally unfamiliar environment without a worry. i felt confident and in control. i felt calm and just genuinely enthusiastic. this property is gorgeous, its unreal. everything was going fine… that is until one of the other volunteers told me there was a “problem” with my room. interesting little fact about the host, he is very into sustainability and being eco-conscious (woo-hoo!) but also he made the insane decision to remove the preexisting toilets and replaced them with compost toilets. aka a bucket in a wooden box filled with woodchips. so, this “problem” was that the person before me did not clean out their bucket before they left… yea. this girl was insanely kind and decided to deal with it herself (which genuinely, i told her not to do it because that is definitely the hosts job at that point– but she insisted) and to be honest, witnessing the whole situation play out was certainly horrific. lets just say i was lowkey freaked out about my stay here at this point. it didn’t help that both her and one of the other volunteers were constantly complaining about pretty much everything here. and saying that the host doesn’t care about his volunteers and that he’s very particular, etc. in that moment, i heard what they were saying but didnt fully accept it as the truth because i wanted to see for myself. still, this was all making me a bit nervous to be here for two weeks. but now, after my first full day, i have a lot of opinions. specifically about the other volunteers. im so sorry to say this but holy snowflakes. the host is chill as fuck. this one guy was constantly talking about how he’s thinking of leaving because the host is so this and so that– literally 95% of the issues this dude was having couldve been solved if he just asked the host. multiple occasions this guy and another volunteer would say something like “i cant believe he wants us to do all these tasks and without enough instruction…” but im like… he clearly said that these are just options for us to choose from and that we can switch between them if we want, total flexibility and he doesn’t expect us to do all of it. and if you don’t know how to do something… just ask. every time i asked the host something he was very delighted to talk about it. please excuse my judgement but it was actually blowing my mind how entitled, unappreciative, and uncurious this person was. obviously theres a lot of context that would add to the full picture but its a lot. one other point they kept bringing up was that he didn’t realize that he had to do domestic tasks in addition to the 4 hours of work we do in the gardens. but like its the house we live in together, of course we have to help with making lunch and then doing the dishes– we all do it together. and we are getting to stay here for free and get fed every meal... its almost like one should be so appreciative and want to help out. okay sorry im ranting now. then he started up a petty argument at lunch and then quit and went home. i tried to help them but there was no saving this situation. anyway, now im just here with one other person who has been here for a month but is somehow also not vibing with the place or the host that much. she was telling me how she wants me to bring certain things up with the host for her because he “loves me.” this made me feel weird because the reality is just that ive been asking him questions about his life and showing interest in the project. i think maybe some people are volunteering for the wrong reasons– but alas. this place is insanely gorgeous and i cant get over it. maybe ill eat my words at some point and the host will suddenly be terrible, but until then we’ve been having a lovely time.

on my first night, we played music together at this little area on the property called the “sunset bar.” this was a little are with seating and a table and it looked off perfectly into the sunset over the mountains. one quirky thing about the sunset bar: its inside the chicken enclosure. so whilst we were eating popcorn and drinking the spritz the host made for us, the chickens were pecking the guitar and jumping on the table and stealing popcorn and knocking everything over– it was hilariously entertaining. when the chickens weren’t doing that, the host passed a spliff around. mostly only he and i smoked it, with one of the other volunteers taking 2 or so hits. after this i think we may have actually reached flow-state together. he played the ukulele and i played the guitar. i realised that playing with a ukulele is really fun for me because i don’t have to worry about stepping on any toes with the guitar, i can just go for it. we sounded lovely and i was feeling the vibes. it seems the other volunteers did too at that moment because they were head nodding and taking some videos– it made me happy to see them enjoying the moment.

im a little nervous about the fact that its now going to be just me and this one other girl together for two weeks. i really hope we can start to click but so far so mid. after work she pretty much hides in her room for the rest of the day. i wish i could take all my favourite people and put them into this house to enjoy it with me. my room is quite lovely too– even has its own bathroom!

just tonight the host took me out into the nearest town. it was adorable and lots of threateningly narrow roads. the people all wave and say hello. he bought me a gelato and it was delicious and loved to melt all over my hands.

now i don’t know exactly what my time here will look like, but so far im spending most of my free time playing guitar/writing music and enjoying the common areas. theres also a movie room so i think im going to hook my laptop up to the projector and make myself some popcorn one of these nights– maybe i could convince the host and other volunteer to join too.

hmu if u want me to fly u out to come hangout with me because i think ill get lonely here. (kidding but i mean…) at least there are two big dogs and many cats and theyre all so sweet. the chickens are funny too.

i love italy

oh P.S. i randomly decided to record this little video of my playing the guitar, ill post it here.

ciao ciao